I was talking with a friend recently and he was explaining that he just didn’t have enough time to fit everything in. A common complaint; I think most of us would like a few extra hours in the day so we can accomplish all that we set out to do. But, the question is why? Why do we feel we don’t have enough time? It could be any number of reasons: maybe our workload is heavy; we have kids and pets to look after as well as take care of our homes and lives; we may feel pulled in different directions by multiple people and their needs.
When I asked my friend to deconstruct his week, he described a series of situations where he had dropped what he was planning to do so he could help family members, a business colleague, and some other friends. His heart is full of warmth and love for everyone around him and he wants to help in any way he can. This is an admirable and positive quality – no doubt. But, at the end of each day, he looks at his own to-do list and realizes that little or none of it got done.
Does this story sound familiar? Do you often drop what you’re doing to run to the aid of others? What is it that we gain from doing this and what is it that it’s costing us? Well, in my friend’s situation, his honorable trait of always helping means he gains the feeling of being valued, of being needed. The cost for him is that he doesn’t get to work or focus on the things he needs to do.
When I asked him about this, he said he didn’t want to leave the people he loves high and dry in a time of need. I completely admire his commitment to them, but when I asked if he really had to drop everything and do all these things, he admitted that he didn’t. He realized that none of the requests were urgent and that the people asking actually would have been just fine without his help.
Of course, sometimes we are genuinely needed; our help is truly warranted by the other person. So, is there a way for us to assess the difference and to meet the needs of others whilst also meeting our own needs? Yes, there is. But, it requires us to set boundaries and value ourselves, our worth, and our time.Sometimes we’re saying yes simply because we think we should, not because we actually want to or because we’re able to.
Here are three simple steps to assess if saying no might better serve you.
- Pause before saying yes. Unless the situation is an emergency, buy yourself a little time so you don’t give that kneejerk “yes” without thinking it through. You can tell the person you’ll get back to them shortly; or you can say you need to check your schedule. Doing this puts a little space between the request and the response, which allows you the time to assess the situation.
- Ask yourself three questions: Is this something I want to do? Do I have the time? Is it a priority for me? If the answer to all of these questions is “yes” then it’s a no-brainer. However, if the answer to any or all of these questions is “no,” the response to the request may also be “no.” If you still feel compelled to say yes it’s time to further evaluate why. Does the situation really require you to honor the request right now or could it be done at a later date that is more convenient for you?Or maybe there’s more to it than that – is it truly about helping the other person, or is it because you get to put off or avoid something in your own life? Be honest with yourself – really look at the motivation behind this.
- Ask yourself one more question: Am I valuing myself and my time if I do this? I am separating this question from the others because it often has the most impact. Even if we find ourselves compelled to say yes when we know the answer is really no, this question may stop us in our tracks. When we ponder this question we’re implicitly asking if we’re giving away our power to another person or situation, instead of standing strong in our own value and worth.
After you’ve fully assessed the situation, what if you really want to say no but you don’t know how or you’re afraid to. You’re not alone – this is yet another reason why many folks say yes when they really mean no – they’re worried they will offend or let down the other party.
Saying no doesn’t have to be hard and as you practice it, you’ll find that there’s very little to fear. In fact, the process of saying no often earns you more respect. You don’t have to offer a reason as you decline a request, but if it makes you feel better to do so, consider using one of the following:
- Say yes to the person but no to the request.Explain how much you’d like to help them, but that there are constraints that prevent you from doing so – you don’t have the time/the resources/the fill-in-the-blank to fully commit to their request.
- Communicate the pros and cons of saying yes, explaining that while you’d like to help, unfortunately in this case, the downside outweighs the upside.
- If you’re still having trouble saying no, here’s the in-between option. Suggest that while you cannot help them out right now, you might be able to at a later date. But, use this carefully – if you opt for this path be sure that you set the date, time, and circumstances for helping so that it genuinely meets the criteria set out earlier: Do I want to do it? Do I have time? Is this a priority for me? Am I valuing myself and my time if I do this?
Now, here’s the kicker on learning to say no: you have to honor your own response! If you’ve taken the time to follow the steps above, don’t turn around two minutes later and say yes. Once you’ve made your decision, stick to it, and honor your value. Be true to yourself and what’s right for you.
How can you practice saying no so that you’re honoring your own time and value? Please let me know by sharing your comments below or on my Facebook page.
With gratitude,